SCENE 4: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS - HARP HILL
We arrive in the library of Harp
Hill. It is gloomy and there is
fantasy style music playing in the
background. Kevin, Pat and Anjali
are gathered around a table in
what look like 'Wizardy' style
robes and hats etc.
KEVIN
(In character)
Having recovered from your recent brawl with
the dragon and its henchmen. You proceed on
foot through the forest, day is turning to
dusk, the air is becoming cold. You are weary
but alive.
Pat raises his hand.
KEVIN
Yes Hogwash?
PAT
(In character)
I wish to use the medical kit.
KEVIN
(In character)
You have none remaining. Zelda will have to
give you her last one. Zelda, do you concur?
ANJALI
(Not in character)
Well, not really/
PAT
(Not in character)
Oh come on Anjali!
ANJALI
(Not in character)
Fine.
(In character)
You may sup.
KEVIN
(In character)
Roll for health Zelda.
She rolls.
ANJALI
Six!
KEVIN
Hogwash, your health is boosted by six.
PAT
(In character)
Most kind Zelda, I am most appreciative if your
generosity! Most kind!
KEVIN
(In character)
You continue walking and approach a clearing in
the forest. A silhouette looms into view. Ork
Zelda, what do you do?
ANJALI
(In character)
I hide behind a bush.
PAT
(In character)
Again Zelda?! You are always hiding behind
bushes! May I suggest you fight!
KEVIN
(In character)
That's enough Hogwash! Roll for stealth Zelda.
She rolls a twelve.
ANJALI
Twelve!
KEVIN
Yep, you successfully hide behind a bush.
She ducks behind a chair. Back in
character.
Before Hogwash is able to move -
He rises off his chair and begins
to act out.
A wizard skulks out from behind the trees and
begins walking - circling you.
He rolls the dice - it's bad roll.
The next part of the performance
is very dramatic.
His fingers start to glow, the glowing turns
into flame he aims the tips of his fingers at
Shergar Hogwash the Dwarf and
a red hot stream of molten flame shoots out/
PAT
(In character)
/Nooooooo!!!
KEVIN
(In character)
But sails way above the little dwarf's head and
barrels harmlessly into the forest canopy.
(Out of character)
Your roll Hogwash, what do you want to do?
PAT
(Out of character)
What weapons have I got?
KEVIN
(Out of character)
Well none, you threw your sword in a lake
yesterday to impress Zelda.
ANJALI
(In character)
You fool!
PAT
(In character)
Oh yes, regrettable. Are there any rocks nearby
I can throw?
KEVIN
(Out of character)
There is statistically a very low chance of you
achieving a successful outcome with that move.
PAT
(In character)
I care not for statistics! Hand me the stone!
KEVIN
(Out of character)
Roll for skill then.
He rolls, it's a perfect roll. As
Kevin describes the action it is
acted out with great gusto,
potentially in slow-motion. Unless
stated otherwise, all of the
following is in character.
PAT
D twenty!
PAT & ANJALI
Woaaahhhh!
KEVIN
(Out of character)
Really?! Let me see!
(In character)
Spying a very small pebble by his foot, Shergar
Hogwash reaches down and clutches it in his
hand. The Wizard continues to circle, lining up
his next attack. Hogwash cocks his arm back
behind his head and with a huge roar/
PAT
/ROOOOAAARRRRRRRRR!
KEVIN
Hurls it with a power that defies his lowly
dwarf stature. Zelda looks on from behind the
bush in astonishment as the pebble sails
through the air. The wizard, who is preparing a
monster spell, see's the projectile and tries
to take evasive action/
PAT
(Out of character)
Anjali, play the rock!
Anjali picks up a pencil case and
tracks it in slow-mo towards
Kevin. Underscore.
KEVIN
But it is too late and all the Wizard can do is
close his eyes and hope!
Slow-mo noises from the three of
them.
KEVIN
Noooooo!!
The pencilcase crunches into the
side of Kevin's head and he
dramatically recoils.
PAT
Yeeeeeeeaaaasssss!!! Taaaaaakeeee thaaaaatttt
youuuu dummmmmmb wizzzaarrrrrrddddd!
Kevin falls to the floor. Pat is
doing a dance of celebration, even
Anjali is joining in, in her own
way. Kevin is making painful dying
sounds. Suddenly the light snaps
on and Penny enters. She
accidentally stands on Kevin's
hand who has done so much acting
he has ended up by the door. The
bright, stark light reveals the
slapdash nature of the costumes
which are old dressing gowns and
bits of lost property cobbled
together to look like wizard
cloaks and hats.
PENNY
Arrrrghhh!
KEVIN
Aarrrrrghhh!
PAT & ANJALI
Aaarghhhhhh!
There is a beat. Pat eventually
presses stop on the tape player
and the fantasy music stops.
KEVIN
Penny Hart! My hand, you stood on my hand...
PENNY
What the...
Kevin is desperately to getting up
off the floor, not showing he's in
pain and trying to claw back some
dignity. Impossible given his
costume.
KEVIN
We can explain!
PENNY
Don't bother.
PAT
It's an innocent misunderstanding!
PENNY
Is it? Because it is my understanding that we
are meant to be doing a presentation in front
of the entire school in less than twenty four
hours. He can't speak, you're unbelievably
unique and who's that under that hat?
ANJALI
(Quietly)
It's no-one.
PENNY
Take off the hat.
Anjali takes the hat off slowly.
PENNY
Oh Jesus Anjali, not you as well, I thought you
were better than this.
ANJALI
Sorry Penny, it's just, they made me do it.
PAT
We did not!
ANJALI
No they didn't. I don't know why I said that. I
panicked.
PENNY
It's fine, Anjali.
She walks to fetch her post.
KEVIN
(Bumbling)
I can get your post if you want me, like, would
like me to?
PENNY
(Picking her post up)
I've got it, thanks. I'm here to help you
Kevin, we're on the same team. We all are. I
just need you to show me your trying, that's
all.
PAT
Then let's rehearse!
PENNY
We've got lessons all afternoon, Pat.
PAT
Then we'll meet back here at five for one last
rehearsal? I'll sweeten Mrs Fitzpatrick up to
book out the library!
Beat.
PENNY
Fine. I'll see you all here at five. Don't be
late.
KEVIN
Yes.
She exits.
ANJALI
Such a way with women!
KEVIN
This is a disaster! Look at me, this is not a
man that screams 'winner'.
ANJALI
It depends where you're competing, if it was
the shittest costume in the library competition
then you might be a winner.
PAT
You'd definitely be a winner.
ANJALI
It's alright Kevin, the world won't end if you
don't win this competition.
PAT
What are you talking about Anjali?! That is
exactly what will happen! Our world as we know
it will crumble around our very feet.
ANJALI
You're so dramatic, Patrick.
KEVIN
He's right. How will I ever be able to do this?
Fail on that stage and I'll never be able to
show my face here again.
ANJALI
Oh come on.
Pat is deep in thought, on the
verge of an epiphany.
PAT
Crumbling, crumbling, the world...crumbling...
ANJALI
Are you stuck? Does he have a reset button?
KEVIN
Pat?
PAT
When the world is on the verge of collapse,
what would our heroes do, Kevin?
KEVIN
I've told you Pat, we're not like them.
PAT
We're not Kevin. You are. You just don't know
it yet.
ANJALI
Oh god.
PAT
Don't sit around waiting for destiny to come to
you, go out and grab it, no matter what it
takes.
Sung.
YOU'VE GOT TO FIGHT REALLY HARD,
OR ELSE YOU'LL FIND THAT THE JOURNEY NEVER STARTS
IT'S ALL ABOUT WHO YOU ARE,
AND OVERCOMING THE TRICKIER PARTS.
YOU GOTTA HELL OF A START,
YOU GOTTA BRAIN AND A FRIEND WHO JUST WON'T QUIT!
AND IF WE WORK REALLY SMART,
I'M SURE TOGETHER WE'LL FIND WHERE WE FIT.
BIT BY BIT IT WILL SET YOU FREE,
I CAN'T IMAGINE THE TREASURES YOU'LL SEE,
START THE QUEST AND LETS MEET YOUR DESTINY...
'CAUSE YOU CAN COUNT ON ME...
Chorus.
TO DO WHAT IT TAKES AND RUN TO THE CALL,
OVERCOME OBSTACLES GIANT OR SMALL,
IF YOU TAKE A LEAP AND SOMEHOW YOU STALL,
THEY'LL ALWAYS BE PAT THERE TO BREAK YOUR FALL.
JUST STEP TO YOUR DREAMS AND YOU'LL WALK THE WALK,
PENNY WILL LOVE IT WHEN YOU LEARN TO TALK,
I WON'T LEAVE YOUR SIDE, I MAKE YOU THAT VOW,
'CAUSE THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, STARTING NOW...
STARTING NOW!!
KEVIN
(Spoken)
I either roll over and let this defeat me or I
do something about it, right?
PAT
Yes, right!
KEVIN
OK. Pat, Anjali meet me back here tonight. I
have work to do.
PAT
Woolworth's will never have seen anything like
you before. Strap in world!
ANJALI
God help us.
PAT
(Sung)
STARTING NOW!
The stage revolves to Penny in the
corridor of the dorm block.
