SCENE 3 - DYLAN'S IMPERSONATION - FOREST HILL

            

                                        

                              TOM
                Make way! Make way!

                              SPUD
                Kneel before him! Kiss his feet!

                              TOM
                The pride of South London, Dylan Chambers is
                here!

                                        Sung.

                              TOM
            YOU SEE THIS GUY HERE, HE'S A SUPERSTAR!

                              SPUD
            THE BLOODY ENGLISH ERIC CANTONA!

                              DYLAN
            I LIVE ON COMMON SENSE AND MY GOOD LOOKS!

                              ALL THREE
            THAT WASN'T SOMETHING WHAT WE LEARNT IN BOOKS.

                              TOM
            OUR SILKY SKILLS ALL TURN ON LIKE A SWITCH,

                              SPUD
            OUR TALENTS AREN'T JUST ON THE FOOTBALL PITCH,

                              DYLAN
            YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME THEN JUST CHECK US OUT,

                              ALL THREE
            IT AINT IN DOUBT...

                              SARAH
                            (Spoken)
                Watch out!

                                        Chorus

                              ALL
            WHAT'S THAT, COMING ROUND THE CORNER?
            IT'S THE CREW, IT'S THE CREW,
            AND THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!
            WATCH OUT, COMING ROUND THE BEND,
            'CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE DO,
            AND WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!

                                        Tom kicks a can over to Spud who
                                        then passes it to Dylan who -
                                        during the dialogue flicks it up
                                        and boots it away as though
                                        scoring a goal. Spoken.

                              TOM
                Harcourt looks up to find Spud-a-licious!

                              GIRLS
                            (Sung)
            OO-OO-OOO!

                              SPUD
                Spud takes it for the lads! Finds Chambers!

                              GIRLS
                            (Sung)
            OO-OO-OOO!

                              DYLAN
                Who flicks it up...some people are on the
                pitch!

                              TOM
                They think it's all over!

                                        Dylan crashes the can into the
                                        stratosphere.

                              BOYS
                It is now!!!

                                        The boys run around with their T
                                        shirts over their heads. The girls
                                        take over. Sung.

                              SARAH
            WE'RE NEVER BOTHERED IF THEY MAKE THE GRADE,

                              COURTNEY
            THAT ISN'T REALLY HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED,

                              GLORIA
            SEEING THEM STRUT, IT GETS US IN THE MOOD,

                              SARAH
            NO OTHER BOYS CAN MATCH THEIR ATTITUDE.

                              DYLAN
            BEING A STUD IS HOW YOU GET THE BIRDS!

                              GIRLS
                            (Spoken)
                We bloody love it when they smash the nerds!
                            (Sung)
            THEY WANT TO GET WITH US BECAUSE WE'RE FIT,

                              BOYS
            AND THEN WE SPLIT...

                              SARAH
                            (Spoken)
                Watch it.

                                        Chorus.

                              ALL
            WHAT'S THAT, COMING ROUND THE CORNER?
            IT'S THE CREW, IT'S THE CREW,
            AND THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!
            WATCH OUT, COMING ROUND THE BEND,
            'CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE DO,
            AND WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!

                              BOYS
            WE GOT ADDIDAS PREDATORS THAT SWERVE THE BALL THROUGH THE
            AIR!

                              GIRLS
            OOOOO!
            WE GOT PLATFORM KICKERS AND SPIDER BANDS IN OUR HAIR!

                              BOYS
            IT'S ALL A MATTER OF THE TIME AND PLACE,

                              GIRLS
            A MINI BACKPACK AND A SMILIE FACE!

                              ALL
            WE'RE BORED OF ADULTS AND WE'RE BORED OF SCHOOL,
            SO BORED OF BEING COOL.

                              TOM
                            (Spoken)
                It's often difficult for the man to walk
                through the corridor.

                              SPUD
                            (Spoken)
                Enjoy a refreshing bite at the canteen...

                              TOM
                            (Spoken)
                Or even sit in class without being surrounded.

                              DYLAN
                            (Spoken)
                But I guess that's just the price you pay for
                being...well...me!

                                        Stop clap chorus.

                              ALL
            WHAT'S THAT, COMING ROUND THE CORNER?
            IT'S THE CREW, IT'S THE CREW
            AND THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU-HOO!
            WATCH OUT, COMING ROUND THE BEND,
            'CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE DO AND WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU-HOO!

                                        Chorus x3. End of song.

                              SPUD
                Dyl, Dyl! Do your Chandry impression!

                              DYLAN
                Nah, you're good.

                              TOM
                Oh come on mate, it's incredible!

                              SPUD
                Yeah it's incredible!

                              SARAH
                Go on, Dyl!

                              DYLAN
                Fine, alright. Here we go.

                                        Dylan undergoes and physical and
                                        vocal transformation.

                              DYLAN
                'Edward Robinson. See me please!'

                                        Spud walks over to Dylan,
                                        sheepishly.

                              COURTNEY
                Edward?

                              TOM
                Didn't you know his name was Edward?

                              GLORIA
                I've genuinely thought he was called Spud this
                whole time.

                              COURTNEY
                I feel betrayed!

                              SARAH
                Edward, like 'King Edward' the potato?

                              TOM
                Don't be mental! 'Spud' because we used to
                throw potatoes at him. 

                              DYLAN
                'QUIET AT THE BACK! Mr Robinson, Mr 'Spud'
                Robinson. I have received reports of damaged
                property around the school grounds. Bins
                toppled, rubbish strewn.'

                              SPUD
                Strewn?

                              TOM
                - all over the floor.

                              SARAH
                You're like the Spud whisperer.

                              DYLAN
                'WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD
                "QUIET"?!'

                              TOM & SARAH
                Sorry Miss!

                              DYLAN
                'Edward, how do you plead?'

                              SPUD
                I don't know what that/means.

                              DYLAN
                /'Guilty or not guilty?

                              SPUD
                Ummmm not guilty?

                              DYLAN
                'Is that so?? Oh well then, what would happen
                if I asked you to jump in that bin, Edward?'

                              SPUD
                I wouldn't do it Miss!

                              DYLAN
                'And suppose I was to say "jump in that
                bin...for...the...LAAAAADS"!!!'

                              ALL
                FOR THE LADS!!!

                                        Spud charges towards the bin and
                                        dives in head first. Music, chaos,
                                        everyone is loving it. Ralph
                                        enters. 

                              RALPH
                Excuse me? Dylan! Dylan!

                                        Eventually the commotion comes to
                                        an end and Dylan realises that
                                        Ralph is trying to talk to him.

                              DYLAN
                Yes Ralphy? How can I help you?

                              RALPH
                I have a message from Mrs Chandry.
                            (He rummages in his pocket and pulls out a
                              note)
                'Please remind Dylan Chambers that he is on his
                final warning. If he fails to receive a pass on
                his maths test tomorrow afternoon he will be
                out, without hesitation or prevarication.' She
                goes on to say: 'If he would like me to read
                out an extensive list of his misdemeanors up to
                this point then he is welcome to come to my
                office where I have them filed away in
                alphabetical order.'

                                        Silence.

                              DYLAN
                Is that it?

                              RALPH
                Please don't hurt me, I'm merely the messenger.

                              DYLAN
                I'm not going to hurt you Ralph, just don't
                come too close.

                              RALPH
                Fear not, I'm leaving.

                                        Ralph exits.

                              SPUD
                Miss Domeanor? What subject does she teach?

                              TOM
                Idiot.

                              SARAH
                What are you going to do, Dyl?

                              DYLAN
                Well I'm not going to take it am I?

                              GLORIA
                What if she kicks you out?

                              DYLAN
                I'm not going to make myself look like a bell
                end just so Mrs Chandry can be proved right. I
                don't give a fuck if she's going to kick me
                out, this place is a shit hole anyway.
                            (Out to everyone)
                I am who am and no-one is going to change that
                are they Spuddy?

                              SPUD
                Nah! What? Nah!

                              SARAH
                Well, I would quite like you to still be
                around.

                              DYLAN
                It's fine Sarah, just leave it.

                              TOM
                Who actually needs maths anyway? It's a joke.

                              SPUD
                            (Sort of to himself but in earshot)
                Prevaricate? Such extraordinary words.

                              GLORIA
                He's a joke.

                              SPUD
                Thank you very much, Gloria.

                              SARAH
                Do you want me to take you through some last
                minute revision? I'm sure we can get you there. 

                              DYLAN
                Nah, you're alright, just leave it.

                              SARAH
                Try and think about your future, Dyl.

                              SPUD
                I'm hungry.

                              GLORIA
                You're always hungry.

                              SPUD
                Guilty as charged.

                              DYLAN
                What future?

                              SARAH
                            (Firmer)
                You have to at least try, Dylan.

                              DYLAN
                I said leave it Sarah, are you fucking thick or
                something?

                                        Beat.

                              SARAH
                Nice. Fuck you, Dylan.

                                        She exits, Courtney and Gloria in
                                        tow, muttering 'are you OK?' etc,
                                        Dylan puts on a good show about
                                        not being effected by the little
                                        nerve that was touched.

                              DYLAN
                Right, where were we?

                              TOM
                Ummm...Spud was on A.R.S. So, one more letter
                and then his arse will be getting punished.

                              SPUD
                Oh no!

                              DYLAN
                Excellent!

                                        They start playing keep-ups as the
                                        stage revolves around to reveal...

2. The Crew
WORLDS APART LOGO NB.png