SCENE 3 - DYLAN'S IMPERSONATION - FOREST HILL
TOM
Make way! Make way!
SPUD
Kneel before him! Kiss his feet!
TOM
The pride of South London, Dylan Chambers is
here!
Sung.
TOM
YOU SEE THIS GUY HERE, HE'S A SUPERSTAR!
SPUD
THE BLOODY ENGLISH ERIC CANTONA!
DYLAN
I LIVE ON COMMON SENSE AND MY GOOD LOOKS!
ALL THREE
THAT WASN'T SOMETHING WHAT WE LEARNT IN BOOKS.
TOM
OUR SILKY SKILLS ALL TURN ON LIKE A SWITCH,
SPUD
OUR TALENTS AREN'T JUST ON THE FOOTBALL PITCH,
DYLAN
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME THEN JUST CHECK US OUT,
ALL THREE
IT AINT IN DOUBT...
SARAH
(Spoken)
Watch out!
Chorus
ALL
WHAT'S THAT, COMING ROUND THE CORNER?
IT'S THE CREW, IT'S THE CREW,
AND THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!
WATCH OUT, COMING ROUND THE BEND,
'CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE DO,
AND WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!
Tom kicks a can over to Spud who
then passes it to Dylan who -
during the dialogue flicks it up
and boots it away as though
scoring a goal. Spoken.
TOM
Harcourt looks up to find Spud-a-licious!
GIRLS
(Sung)
OO-OO-OOO!
SPUD
Spud takes it for the lads! Finds Chambers!
GIRLS
(Sung)
OO-OO-OOO!
DYLAN
Who flicks it up...some people are on the
pitch!
TOM
They think it's all over!
Dylan crashes the can into the
stratosphere.
BOYS
It is now!!!
The boys run around with their T
shirts over their heads. The girls
take over. Sung.
SARAH
WE'RE NEVER BOTHERED IF THEY MAKE THE GRADE,
COURTNEY
THAT ISN'T REALLY HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED,
GLORIA
SEEING THEM STRUT, IT GETS US IN THE MOOD,
SARAH
NO OTHER BOYS CAN MATCH THEIR ATTITUDE.
DYLAN
BEING A STUD IS HOW YOU GET THE BIRDS!
GIRLS
(Spoken)
We bloody love it when they smash the nerds!
(Sung)
THEY WANT TO GET WITH US BECAUSE WE'RE FIT,
BOYS
AND THEN WE SPLIT...
SARAH
(Spoken)
Watch it.
Chorus.
ALL
WHAT'S THAT, COMING ROUND THE CORNER?
IT'S THE CREW, IT'S THE CREW,
AND THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!
WATCH OUT, COMING ROUND THE BEND,
'CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE DO,
AND WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU-OO!
BOYS
WE GOT ADDIDAS PREDATORS THAT SWERVE THE BALL THROUGH THE
AIR!
GIRLS
OOOOO!
WE GOT PLATFORM KICKERS AND SPIDER BANDS IN OUR HAIR!
BOYS
IT'S ALL A MATTER OF THE TIME AND PLACE,
GIRLS
A MINI BACKPACK AND A SMILIE FACE!
ALL
WE'RE BORED OF ADULTS AND WE'RE BORED OF SCHOOL,
SO BORED OF BEING COOL.
TOM
(Spoken)
It's often difficult for the man to walk
through the corridor.
SPUD
(Spoken)
Enjoy a refreshing bite at the canteen...
TOM
(Spoken)
Or even sit in class without being surrounded.
DYLAN
(Spoken)
But I guess that's just the price you pay for
being...well...me!
Stop clap chorus.
ALL
WHAT'S THAT, COMING ROUND THE CORNER?
IT'S THE CREW, IT'S THE CREW
AND THEY'RE COMING AFTER YOU-HOO!
WATCH OUT, COMING ROUND THE BEND,
'CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE DO AND WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU-HOO!
Chorus x3. End of song.
SPUD
Dyl, Dyl! Do your Chandry impression!
DYLAN
Nah, you're good.
TOM
Oh come on mate, it's incredible!
SPUD
Yeah it's incredible!
SARAH
Go on, Dyl!
DYLAN
Fine, alright. Here we go.
Dylan undergoes and physical and
vocal transformation.
DYLAN
'Edward Robinson. See me please!'
Spud walks over to Dylan,
sheepishly.
COURTNEY
Edward?
TOM
Didn't you know his name was Edward?
GLORIA
I've genuinely thought he was called Spud this
whole time.
COURTNEY
I feel betrayed!
SARAH
Edward, like 'King Edward' the potato?
TOM
Don't be mental! 'Spud' because we used to
throw potatoes at him.
DYLAN
'QUIET AT THE BACK! Mr Robinson, Mr 'Spud'
Robinson. I have received reports of damaged
property around the school grounds. Bins
toppled, rubbish strewn.'
SPUD
Strewn?
TOM
- all over the floor.
SARAH
You're like the Spud whisperer.
DYLAN
'WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE WORD
"QUIET"?!'
TOM & SARAH
Sorry Miss!
DYLAN
'Edward, how do you plead?'
SPUD
I don't know what that/means.
DYLAN
/'Guilty or not guilty?
SPUD
Ummmm not guilty?
DYLAN
'Is that so?? Oh well then, what would happen
if I asked you to jump in that bin, Edward?'
SPUD
I wouldn't do it Miss!
DYLAN
'And suppose I was to say "jump in that
bin...for...the...LAAAAADS"!!!'
ALL
FOR THE LADS!!!
Spud charges towards the bin and
dives in head first. Music, chaos,
everyone is loving it. Ralph
enters.
RALPH
Excuse me? Dylan! Dylan!
Eventually the commotion comes to
an end and Dylan realises that
Ralph is trying to talk to him.
DYLAN
Yes Ralphy? How can I help you?
RALPH
I have a message from Mrs Chandry.
(He rummages in his pocket and pulls out a
note)
'Please remind Dylan Chambers that he is on his
final warning. If he fails to receive a pass on
his maths test tomorrow afternoon he will be
out, without hesitation or prevarication.' She
goes on to say: 'If he would like me to read
out an extensive list of his misdemeanors up to
this point then he is welcome to come to my
office where I have them filed away in
alphabetical order.'
Silence.
DYLAN
Is that it?
RALPH
Please don't hurt me, I'm merely the messenger.
DYLAN
I'm not going to hurt you Ralph, just don't
come too close.
RALPH
Fear not, I'm leaving.
Ralph exits.
SPUD
Miss Domeanor? What subject does she teach?
TOM
Idiot.
SARAH
What are you going to do, Dyl?
DYLAN
Well I'm not going to take it am I?
GLORIA
What if she kicks you out?
DYLAN
I'm not going to make myself look like a bell
end just so Mrs Chandry can be proved right. I
don't give a fuck if she's going to kick me
out, this place is a shit hole anyway.
(Out to everyone)
I am who am and no-one is going to change that
are they Spuddy?
SPUD
Nah! What? Nah!
SARAH
Well, I would quite like you to still be
around.
DYLAN
It's fine Sarah, just leave it.
TOM
Who actually needs maths anyway? It's a joke.
SPUD
(Sort of to himself but in earshot)
Prevaricate? Such extraordinary words.
GLORIA
He's a joke.
SPUD
Thank you very much, Gloria.
SARAH
Do you want me to take you through some last
minute revision? I'm sure we can get you there.
DYLAN
Nah, you're alright, just leave it.
SARAH
Try and think about your future, Dyl.
SPUD
I'm hungry.
GLORIA
You're always hungry.
SPUD
Guilty as charged.
DYLAN
What future?
SARAH
(Firmer)
You have to at least try, Dylan.
DYLAN
I said leave it Sarah, are you fucking thick or
something?
Beat.
SARAH
Nice. Fuck you, Dylan.
She exits, Courtney and Gloria in
tow, muttering 'are you OK?' etc,
Dylan puts on a good show about
not being effected by the little
nerve that was touched.
DYLAN
Right, where were we?
TOM
Ummm...Spud was on A.R.S. So, one more letter
and then his arse will be getting punished.
SPUD
Oh no!
DYLAN
Excellent!
They start playing keep-ups as the
stage revolves around to reveal...
