SCENE 2: WOOLWORTH'S VISION OF THE FUTURE - HARP HILL
Harp Hill School corridor, Harry
is stood on a chair surrounded by
a throng of students noisily going
about their business. Harry gets
up on a chair, Karen next to him
at ground level.
Everybody be quiet and listen! Your Head Boy
has an important announcement! QUIET!
They hush up and gather round. As
Harry explains, Karen has a
selection of diagrams on a flip
chart which she points at, at
Alright Karen, thank you. At three o'clock
tomorrow one team from year eleven will be
selected - by you the students - to stand
before the Chairman of Woolworth's himself and
present their Woolworth's Vision of The Future.
That student vote will take place after
tomorrow afternoon's final round of
presentations and you will be voting either for
my team: Deregulation - Liberate a Nation/
Or Team Vibrator.
(Shouting from the crowd)
Whatever. Whoever you choose will stand alone
representing Harp Hill in presenting their
vision to Wooly's tomorrow night.
Simple John puts his hand up.
Yes, Simple John?
I don't think I get it.
(Taking a deep breath)
Right, listen carefully John. The final heat at
three o'clock tomorrow is what you vote on.
That winning team will then go on to present
their vision of the future to the whole school
and the Chairman of Woolworth's at seven
I'm still massively confused.
Which bit are you struggling with John?
All of it.
Be specific if you can.
The voting...and heat...and the last bit.
I don't know how to put this simpler.
(Speaking very slowly)
Tomorrow afternoon is the final heat which you
get to vote on - the winning team will go on to
present their vision of the future to the
Woolworth's Chairman and the rest of the school
What is this for?
The Woolworth's vision of the future
When is the heat?
And who votes on that?
You do John! Fuck me!
So what am I voting for?
The team to represent Harp - look, just go to
the lower hall with everyone else at three and
after that, vote for my team. Honestly what the
fuck is he eating that stops his brain from
working? Is everyone else clear?
Not now, Karen!
(Back to the crowd)
Also, I would never condone booing but if you
do feel it necessary, then direct it at that
pair of cock-wombles over there.
(Pointing at Kev and Pat; Penny has
Thank you, Karen. That is all, now, it's five
past nine so please kindly fuck off.
The crowd disperse. Harry starts
walking towards Kevin and Pat.
Oh god, he's heading straight for us!
Anywhere! At the floor, I don't know!
Are you girls ready to be annihilated?
You won't annihilate us, we're made of very
Oh yeah? And what stuff is that?
It's the sternest material known to man.
That's why it's our team name, because it's
basically indestructible, like us.
Harry twists Pat's nipple. Pat
recoils in a vastly overblown
AAaaarrghhhhh! My tit!
What do you want, Harry?
Just a friendly chat with my two favourite
Karen giggles and snorts.
(Moving in close to intimidate Kevin)
I'm going to crush you into a thousand tiny
pieces, Kevin lark.
(He moves away from Kevin and opens the
dialogue back out)
I don't know what will be more painful,
watching you literally shit your own pants in
front of the entire school, or having to listen
to whatever depressing 'vision of the future'
someone with your pathetic prospects might
Penny enters with Anjali in tow,
holding a clipboard.
Ah! Your little girlfriend has arrived.
Piss off, Harry.
Oh, you said you had something for Penny,
Yes, you said...
(She checks her notes)
'If the horsey one turns up, remind me I have
something for her'.
Oh yes I did! A message straight from the
He rummages in his pocket.
Hang on, I wrote it down somewhere...ah! Here
He pulls out his hand and flicks
Fuck off, horse face!
Obviously Harry finds this
hilarious and Karen follows suit
laughing and snorting. They exit
with Harry doing 'Horsey' noises.
Lovely. Shall we run through it then? Make sure
he's not proved right.
Are you alright Penny?
Yes fine, let's get started. I hope you guys
are pretty much off book, it took me ages to
turn your mad ideas into actual human language.
I will cue us in with 'this' signal.
(He demonstrates some sort of elaborate
And then there will be quite an impressive
light display and music.
Actually, as stage manager I will just give you
two a 'standby' and 'go'. Then you're on.
Great. Off you go.
Good afternoon and welcome to team Vibranium's
Vision of the Future! My name is Patrick
O'coughlan and this is m'colleague...
Silence. Kevin can't seem to
function in the spotlight.
Say your name, Kevin.
For fuck sake. Your name! KEVIN.
Penny, you won't be able to swear at us in the
No shit, Patrick.
If saying your own name is beyond you, what is
the point in us even doing this tomorrow?
We don't actually have a choice...
We were selected by the school council to take
part. Our participation is destiny, it's
written in the/stars.
/Yes, I know, it was a rhetorical/question.
/I can say my name! It's Kluvin! Kluvin! Kevin!
God help us. If you don't get it together in
time for tomorrow afternoon our lives will
become a living hell. Have you got that? You've
got the rest the day to do whatever it is you
need to do. When I next see you, you'd better
be able to talk because the whole school will
be baying for our blood and introducing
yourself as 'Kluvin' is exactly the sort of
thing that will drive them wild. Please Kevin,
for once in your life, just don't be a dweeb.
Can you try that?
I will try.
She exits, leaving Pat, Kevin and
Well that went well. Kluvin.
What the hell are we going to do?!
Are you sure you can't just take a breath and
read what's on the cards?
I often find that when I have to do something,
I just do it, in fact I don't often put my mind
to stuff, I just do stuff/without really...
/Yeah, well I'm not you, Pat.
What would Captain Kirk do in this situation?
Why would Captain Kirk be competing in the
Woolworth's Vision of the Future competition?
It's bad enough having to do this in front of
the school but then to have Penny looking at me
the whole time I...I...
You what know you need?
You need to calm the brain and divulge the
Pat I'm not really/
/say it, Kevin.
To the library.
Sorry, what was that?
To the library!
And you Anjali...
I don't think/
Three, two, one!
(With varying levels of gusto)
To the library!
Pat pretends to mount a horse and
ride off, the other two follow
walking normally. Scene change to